People
engage in war because they want to love or be loved.
Although this may sound absurd at first, let's give
it a closer look, because if we can understand the
motivation for war then we might be able to redirect
it.
The most
fundamental human need is to be accepted, and the
most fundamental fear is to be rejected. The old idea
that survival comes first just doesn't hold up in the
light of experience because it doesn't account for
those who risk their lives for others, even
strangers, and for those who commit suicide. And the
fear of death is the fear of the ultimate rejection
by life itself.
Acceptance
can be sought from oneself, one's environment, or
one's God, and many different strategies are used to
ensure acceptance. If these strategies are pursued
without fear, including fear-based anger, the result
will be peace and cooperation. But as the fear of
possible rejection increases, so does the tendency to
seek acceptance by control or submission. Then the
result is emotional repression, social suppression,
and the use of violence to prove one's power or to
make others accept one whether they want to or not.
In the case
of war, the leaders who make the major decisions set
standards to judge behavior by the other side as
acceptable or unacceptable, motivated by their
personal or group standards of self acceptance or
acceptance from those around them. And those who obey
the orders to march off to death and destruction are
motivated by the desire to be accepted by doing the
right thing or the fear of being rejected, and/or
punished for not doing it. What's so sad is that the
fundamental intention is so good.
The glory
of war lies in the experience of incredible bravery,
intense companionship, demonstrations of skill, the
overcoming of limitations, successfully protecting
one's country or loved ones, and the adulation for
the winners. Yet, until we find a better way to
satisfy the need for acceptance and the desire for
real power, people will continue to go to war out of
love.
Our great
challenge, therefore, is not just to end war, but
also to develop alternatives to war which still
provide the benefits that only very intense
experiences can generate, as well as satisfying the
need for love.
